Walls, Doors and Windows
re-framing my relationship to work
I.
“When one door closes, a window opens.” - common cliché
Like everyone, COVID-19 upended my beliefs about the world. The pandemic shifted my perspective. I had ambitions towards academia. I wanted to pursue a post-grad program in Economics. Instead, I abandoned that aim for something practical.
The decision was partly driven by material considerations, partly personal ones. I need the income, but I also felt that I want to have an impact. Academic research does have impact, but there’s a long time lag to get from theory to practice. Ultimately, to have an impact in the world, one has to make an impact. One has to do things.
I’ve made up my mind about academia and shifted my gaze to the Industry and Commerce. That door closed. I went looking for opportunities in the job market. In the midst of a global recess, job opportunities were scarce.
I got lucky, a window opened. Thanks to the great resignation, some companies had vacancies and needed workers. It was not long before I found myself employed. I found a job in the economics arm of a consulting firm. The job comes with good pay and benefits, and I can tap into its global network of resources and library of information.
Finally, I have some much needed stability.
II.
“When a door is slam shut in your face, find a window for you to jump out of…” - me
Work was not easy. Obviously. I knew that. But the bitter pain is that having foreknowledge of suffering does not in anyway negate or prevent it.
I knew that work is also mundane. It’s the boredom that results from the routine and seemingly trivial matters that got to me. But if it happens to me everyday and affects my mood each time… then it’s not really trivial, is it?
I’ve never been to the office, physically. The lockdowns were still ongoing. I have not met any of my peers, managers and superiors in person. I know what they might sound like but, at that point, I do not know what they look like beyond the veil of virtual meetings. I felt so isolated. An already soulless corporate world made worse by the lockdowns.
So, I showed up for work and turned in work, that was good enough. As my paycheck’s fixed, and does not increase with quality or effort of work, I figured that my energy is better conserved and spent elsewhere. Wherever that is. I was in fact quiet quitting.
This only made things a lot more unbearable. I did not want to commit to work, I hated staring at spreadsheets but I still had to slog it out to get the work done. I figured if I could get past this, I can get to the better part of the day.
I began thinking of escape. I looked for other jobs. No better jobs were around. With no outs in sight I felt the walls were closing in on me.
In retrospect, I just could not admit to myself that I was inexperienced, I did not have the right skillset, and I was immature. I just did not come to terms with my situation. My attempts to find better a window of opportunity were a cop-out. I was giving myself an out rather than to admit that I was indeed inadequate.
This is no way to live. The avoidance of difficult situations, conflicts and confrontations, especially avoiding confrontations with myself. I had to change my ways. I needed to change the way I look at things. I had to improve myself, find ways to create my own opportunities. I had to break down the walls.
III.
“The wall is the door” - Emerson
The economics I did at work was far removed from what I hoped to do. I thought that the work would involve consulting on public policy or applied econometrics for businesses and industry.
Instead, the jobs were almost always development or government-related projects, which were of course politically-driven and financially lucrative. I think this disconnect here, contributed to my disillusionment.
I figured that even though I find myself far from my desired career pathway, there’s plenty that I can still learn. The huge plus of being in a consulting firm is the exposure to a vast network of people and receiving industry street-cred. Perhaps I can find ways to integrate what experience and skills I gained towards a field that’s more to my liking.
I reframed my perspective. Started to see the wall in front of me not as a dead-end, but as a challenge, something to be overcome. The challenge was to learn as well I can, to build the relevant skills in this context, and figure out a way to integrate that experience as I work towards my goals.
The wall does not seem as daunting or as oppressive now. It is an opportunity that I can use to learn and develop myself. I now see the way out is through. The wall is the door. I have to commit for my sake, commit to further my own development.
Through this commitment, I found clarity. I found purpose.